These Are The Ones I Keep
by Ianuaria
Summary: One shots and drabbles; pre-show, New York and other memories, mostly Addek, Maddison, MerDer, but also various other characters.
1. Where It All Began

**_Just a little collection of memories, usually Derek's POV, one shots and drabbles._** ** _I know I'm supposed to be updatingmy other fic, I swear I will._** ** _Enjoy !_**

 ** _NEW YORK_**

 ** _JUNE 1988_**

When you suffer through four years of high school and then four years of college, you don't expect to deviate from your plan.

You're going to graduate from med school, you're going to be a neurosurgeon, and you're going to marry your high school sweetheart, that is your plan.

You never plan for tall redheads, you never imagine that Gross Anatomy will be the highlight of your week.

But destiny and fate are tricky things ; they shape our lives in ways we never imagine , and sometimes what you're looking for comes along when you aren't looking at all, and sometimes you don't know that it's what you wanted in the first place.

Sometimes paths cross in just the right way, and sometimes it's just so inevitable, so fairytale - perfect , that you give in and let yourself be pulled along with the current.

But you don't expect it in Professor Osborne 's nine AM Gross Anatomy lecture.

" Pronate your hands and dissect down to the superficial fascia. ... "

" Like this ? "

" No, it's not a pencil, don't hold it like a - "

You expect it to happen over candlelit dinners and flowers, music in the background, because that's the kind of boy you are, you're a candles and flowers kind of boy.

" Give me that. "

You don't expect it to happen with a scalpel in hand, gloves yellow with formalin and eyes squinting behind protective goggles, even if her voice is soft and musical and does things to you that you put down to hormones.

" Hold it like this, good grip, with your palm, not too much pressure - go on , your turn. "

You don't expect it to happen while you're slicing into the chest of a sixty eight year old man who died of mitral valve stenosis, according to his toe tag.

But it does, and you're not complaining.

" How do you know so much ? " Mark demands, because he has to be the best, because it's always a race with him.

" My father's a surgeon. "

And there go your dreams down the drain, because if there was ever someone out of your league, it's her.

He's a clumsy bewildered hack with the scalpel; she moves as swiftly and smoothly as if she were born to it .

" So you want to be a surgeon too ? " Mark says, and you envision your dreams flowing through sewers and into the sea, because you recognise the look in his eyes, you've seen it too many times before, and not many girls stand a chance against it.

" You think I can't ? " she cocks her head ; you almost drop your scalpel because this response is not in the plan.

" I never said that. "

" You try. "

You watch them bicker about the finesse of each others work , you feel yourself falling further and further for absolutely no discernible reason at all ; you're a candles and flowers kind of a boy but you're not naive, you don't believe in love at first sight .

So you ignore it, you quietly work your way through the rest of the lecture and then you flee from the hall, because you didn't plan for this and therefore it scares you.

But destiny and fate are tricky things; they have a way of bending things to their will and you find yourself on the library steps alone that night because Mark is with the blonde waitress from last night and you don't have that kind of suave charm, so you're with a pile of books you can't fit into your bag.

" Hey. "

You don't recognise her at first, without the scrubs and goggles, or maybe you do but you're not actually sure she talking to you, because why would she be ?

" Can I help you with that ? "

You straighten up and almost fall back down again, because she's standing so close, silky red hair blowing across her face.

" No, I , uh - "

" It's all right, I'm not busy anyway. "

She picks up half the pile and starts walking, you follow and catch up to her easily , because she's tall but not quite as tall as you.

" Thank you. "

" No problem. I recognised you from Gross Anatomy this morning, thought I'd give you a hand. "

And you can't stop looking at her hands, surreptitiously checking for rings of any kind, because you're that sort of boy.

" Well- this is me. " you say outside your dorm , sorry to see her go , grateful to lose this distraction.

" See you tomorrow then ? "

" Yeah. "

" Good night, then. "

She lingers a little longer than she has to and you wonder if she can feel it too, this faint maybe-imaginary magnetic pull drawing you closer and closer .

But of course she doesn't, you think, _look_ at her.

She's gorgeous, for lack of a less clichéd word, gorgeous, all long limbs and red hair and that mouth you can't stop looking at because you're just a boy, after all.

And those eyes, those eyes you've been trying to avoid since you saw them this morning behind green plastic lenses, the shifting blue color of the lake your father took you fishing at and so easy to drown in.

But you have everything planned and you've not allowed time to drown in eyes that you know are going to haunt your dreams tonight, so you turn to leave.

And you'll look back on this moment, this tiny space of time where it could have gone either way, and you'll identify what happened next as the split - second decision that mapped the course of your life for the next fifteen years.

" Wait - I didn't even ask your name. " You call to her retreating back, sure you're about to be shown your place.

She turns around, ocean eyes wide with surprise. " I didn't ask yours. "

You walk back to her, hold out your hand.

" Derek . "

She smiles, and in that moment you know you're lost.

" Addison . "

And you definitely didn't plan to remember this fifteen years later in a strangers living room, you didn't expect it to feel so wrong.

" Derek. "

" Meredith . "

 ** _Review?_**


	2. The Beginning of Forever

**_August 1988_**

 _She's not coming ._

Of course she's not. It was too good to be true in the first place.

Stuff like this doesn't happen to him. He's not the person who gets stood up.

But this is clearly different .

For gods' sake, what had he been thinking ?

 _" Hey Derek. "_

 _" Addison . Hey, I. .. I haven't seen you here in a while. "_

 _That incredible mouth, twisting into an embarrassed smile. " Yeah. I took a week off. Family. "_

 _" Oh. Well, if you need any help, catching up..."_

 _She darts in front of him, stops, laughing. " What makes you think I'd need help ? "_

 _" What? No, I don't mean you **need** it. I mean, if you **want** it. "_

 _He couldn't believe it, how smooth it was._

 _" If I want it. " she says, quirking an eyebrow._

 _He felt his face flush ." You know what, forget it. It's okay, you don't have to pretend. "_

 _He pounds down the steps of the building they have classes in, makes for the library._

 _" Hey Derek ! "_

 _It's embarrassing how quickly he turns around._

 _" Tonight at eight ? "_

And tonight at eight was a study date , neuroanatomy, which makes his heart sing and puts her to sleep, tonight at eight turned into every day at eight, Chinese takeout and books spread over his tiny rickety table, sneaking glances at her as she curls on the floor, absorbed in a book, twirling a lock of that bright hair he's never seen on anyone else.

Every day at eight turned into confidence, confidence that a girl like Addison Forbes Montgomery would go out with him.

And then he caught Sam Bennett stuttering in her presence, the same look in his eyes that has stared back at him from the mirror for two months now.

And confidence turned to urgency, and urgency crystallised into a blurted _wouldyouliketocometodinnerwme_ one night over kung pao chicken and the cingulate gyrus.

 _" I - "_

 _He's blown it, he's utterly and completely blown it._

 _She turned down a third of the male population of Columbia already, Shepherd, really, did you think she'd fall for your hair and your color coordinated notes ?_

 _But she's shown up every single day, he even found her sitting on his doorstep the other night when he was a little late._

 _" - I would love to. " she beams, and he swears then that he'd do anything to see that smile for the rest of his life._

But here he is, and she hasn't turned up.

He's about to turn his keys in the ignition of his little Mustang and leave, drown his sorrows in a bottle with Mark, when he sees her. _Damn._ He's seen her lots of times, sure, but always in scrubs or sweaters and jeans.

Never in this dark blue dress that clings innocently to her body, hinting at graceful slender curves , heels that make her coltish legs positively endless.

" Sorry I'm late. " she says, sliding in beside him, hair swinging over bare shoulders, filling his car with some indescribable perfume, faint, but he knows he'll never forget it.

" Derek ? " she smiles uncertainly, waving a hesitant hand before his eyes, and he realises he's staring at her.

" Oh. It's... it's all right . You look - you look incredible. "

She smiles, awkward and shy. " Thank you. You scrub up pretty well too. "

She chatters aimlessly in the car, they go to a little Italian place close to campus because she has a seven am lab tomorrow and they've agreed that they can't possibly eat another bite of anything Chinese.

He doesn't remember what he ordered, only that she chose the most amazing red wine and that neither of them ate very much, with the result that the shared bottle loosens both their tongues enough so that he finds out that she's grown up in Connecticut with an older brother, she went to boarding school, then Yale, she wants to be a surgeon, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life listening to the music of her voice.

She's fascinated by the size of his family, envious even. She doesn't laugh when he tells her he wants to be a neurosurgeon, and her eyes when he mentions the girlfriend he broke up with not too long ago make him believe he might just have a fighting chance.

He drives back carefully, not drunk, mostly high on this soaring feeling in his stomach that makes him feel invincible, like he could climb mountains and cross oceans and that it will always be like this, warm summer air blowing her hair across her face, happy and carefree, full of possibility and reckless with the certainty of youth.

" It's okay, you can just drop me off here. " she says, because her dorm is further in than his.

" What, and let you walk back looking like that ? " he says, bold and immediately regretting it.

" Chivalrous. A dying breed, by all accounts." she says. " But I'll be fine. "

" No, really, I'll walk you back. I want to. "

" Really ? " she asks curiously, her eyes hidden in shadow, unreadable.

" Why end a perfect evening before I have to? " he makes a fuss of opening her door and ushering her out, making her giggle self - consciously.

They walk back in companiable silence, he's hyperaware of her fingertips inches from his, but he won't push his luck.

Some things are worth waiting for.

" So. Good night, Derek. " she says, standing a respectable distance away from him, her eyes expectant, inviting.

" Good night, Addison. " he plays along, because it's inevitable really.

" Thank you for tonight. It was amazing. " she whispers , and she's closer, he can feel the warmth radiating off her skin.

" It was ." he agrees, and years later they'll still bicker over who made the first move, but in that moment it really doesn't matter, because he holds her elbows in his hands and she puts her hands on his arms and her lips are soft and warm and she tastes of strawberry lip gloss and heady wine, and it feels like a little glimpse of forever.

 ** _For those who asked for a first date scenario._** ** _Not all will be in order, I might go from New York to med school to Seattle and then pre - show, but I'll try to be specific in my author notes._** ** _Reviews and requests please!_**


	3. Break The Limbo

**_AUGUST 1988_**

" WNT2B and WNT8C stabilize this FGF10 expression in the forelimb and hindlimb, respectively. This FGF10 expression stimulates WNT3 expression in the above ectodermal cells – resulting in formation of the apical ectodermal ridge (AER) as well as inducing FGF8 expression. The FGF8 secreted by the - "

" Jesus, woman, what are you _talking_ about ? " Sam yawns, eyes glassy with sleep and desperation.

They're all in his tiny cramped room, the boys sprawled on the floor, Naomi on the couch next to a pile of last week's ( clean ) laundry he hasn't put away yet, because they have midterms and they're all scared shitless.

Addison is stalking around the remaining space in the living room, clutching her notes on the development of the limb buds, lecturing enthusiastically, clad in a t shirt and disturbingly tiny shorts because of the heat.

Well, he's the only one who's disturbed, because Sam and Nae have eyes only for each other - they are truly, truly disgusting these days - and Mark, bless him, has been making a valiant effort to resist Addison's natural charms since last week, after a drunken heart to heart on the roof that lead to a very sincere but embarrassing confession, in agonising detail, of the way he feels about her.

They've sworn never to let a girl between them, and so far they never have.

But this is proving to be the test of that vow, because Mark may be trying his hardest to keep his promise, but he's known him since they were five years old, he can see the dilemma in his eyes.

But that doesn't matter right now, either, because Mark has fallen asleep with his text placed strategically in front of his face to escape Addison's notice.

" Addie, honey, it's three in the morning. We should get some sleep, start fresh in the morning. " Naomi says gently, trying to prise the obsessively neat notes from her fingers.

" What? Are you crazy ? Nae, we're supposed to review biochem tomorrow morning, - "

" Amino acids. " Sam squeaks, looking miserable. " I forgot about amino acids. "

" Come on, guys. Wake up, we need to finish this. " she says, waving her hands at the scattered piles of scribbled material they have to cram into their exhausted burnt out brains.

" Can't we do something else, please, embryology puts me to sleep. " he pleads, eyes watering .

She loves it, though, she can can remember every damned detail about each level ofcell division and differentiation without breaking a sweat and the lecture them about it at three in the morning with less than ten hours of sleep in the last three days.

" Fine. Mark, what do you think we should do? "she directs at the prone body. " Mark ? Oh my god, get _up_ , you're drooling all over everything. "

" Oh, yesh, gimme minute, I know the answer, I swear I do. " he slurs, blinking furiously to clear the sleep from his eyes.

They burst into laughter, and that decides it, they scrape themselves off the floor and go to their respective beds - even Sam and Naomi, it's just too late - with promises to meet in the library at seven the next morning.

" I hate midterms. " Addison is muttering as she scoops up takeout boxes and bins them, sorting out study material from the various debris littering the ground.

" Hey, you don't have to do that. " he says, relieving her of a beer can.

" I won't get to sleep anyway, I'm too wound up, might as well get this place in order. "

They're in that awkward limbo phase, of not knowing if they are or aren't _together_ , because they've been on two dates since the goodnight kiss incident, once to the movies and once to Central Park, winding aimlessly along pathways, talking about everything and more, they're unsure about what's happening or where they're going with this, and they haven't so much as held hands since.

He tells himself it's because he wants to wait, to make it special, because she is anything but ordinary.

Little does he know that she told Naomi she couldn't stand being near him because it felt like her skin was on fire, but she didn't want to jump him and ruin everything.

But it's late and they're both delirious with exhaustion and she's here helping him even though she doesn't have to, and he can hardly look at her in those shorts because the sight of smooth bare skin makes him forget midterms and rent payments and embryology and everything else.

They clear away the mess in relative silence, each pretending not to feel the tension in the room, pushing all the oxygen out and making it hard to breathe.

" Better. " she proclaims, standing with hands on hips as she surveys the room, ordered with her obsessive attention to detail.

She flops down on the floor, starts putting her things in her bag. " See you tomorrow ? "

" If you don't, come kick my ass awake. " he mumbles, sitting next to her, close enough that her hair tickles his shoulder, far enough to not actually be touching.

She lets out a jagged long breath, he turns and is shocked by the tears sparkling in her eyes.

" Whoa. Addison, what is it ? "

" I'm failing, I'm failing my midterms, I've never ever failed a test in my _life_ and now I'm going to - "

He silences her with a finger to her lips, the contact sending sparks through every nerve in his body , all of them, even the ones he still can't name.

" Addison Montgomery, you are incapable of half assing anything. I may not know you all that well and I may not be your... boyfriend , or even the closest person to you, but I do know that.

You're ridiculously smart and unfairly talented and you're going to kick ass if you study or not. "

She rewards him with a teary smile. " Thanks for the pep talk. "

" I was basketball captain in high school. "

" Dumb jock. " she nudges him slightly.

" Band geek. " he nudges her back.

"Hey, I told you that in strictest confidence, you're not allowed to use it against me. "

" Just joking. You do know you're brilliant, right, Addison ? Don't underestimate yourself. Ever . " he takes her hand in his, runs his thumb over her knuckles and wondering how a girl like her wound up with zero self esteem.

She makes an adorable little sound, lets her head drop onto his shoulder, and for a moment he forgets to breathe, because he's never seen her let her guard down so far.

" What you said earlier - that's not true. "

" About being a band geek ? "

" No. " she giggles, suddenly lacing her fingers through his and looking him right in the eyes. " About not being the closest person to me. Because you are . "

It feels as though they're frozen in this moment, her hand warm and soft in his, her lashes dipping low over eyes that are suddenly shy.

He leans in slowly, tips her chin upwards with two fingers, looks her in the eye before he kisses her.

At first she hesitates, but then her hand is on the back of his neck , holding him close, pushing him back on to the floor.

He only stops once, to ask her if she's sure, because he doesn't think he'll be able to stop if they go much further.

Her reply is to shut him up with her tongue, so he gently moves over her, careful not to crush her with his weight, exploring every inch of skin he's dreamt of for weeks.

She's shy at first, blushing furiously as he tugs away first her shirt and then those damned shorts, slides one finger sslowly along the lacy pink strap, brushing lightly over sensitive soft flesh, surprised at the arching of her back and her ragged breathing, glorying in the way she reacts to his touch .

Her fingers are skilled and nimble, feathering down his spine and darting over skin thrumming with desire, threatening to drive him over the edge unless he stops her, and he somehow manages to unfasten the bra in record time, turns his attention to her breasts and has her quivering in his arms.

He pushes into her softly, slowly, letting her set the pace, kissing the faint pink beard burn on her jaw, she knots her fingers in his hairand he moves faster, her pupils dilating, swollen lips capturing his own, and she rocks her hips against his in a way that has them both climax together, lay in each others arms afterwards catching their breath.

" That was - " she gasps, nervous and exhilarated.

" Amazing. "

" Perfect. "

" _You're_ perfect. " he says, kissing her hand. " Can I be your boyfriend now ? "

 ** _Reviews are scientifically proven to make me update faster._**


	4. I Hope We Have As Many More

**_Addison and her father through the years, because they had a love - hate relationship I've always been curious about._** ** _Enjoy._**

 ** _1970_**

" Daddy ! Daddy, where we goin ' ? "

" To my office, sweetheart. We're _going_ to my office. "

His four year old pouts adorably, stamps a Mary Jane clad foot. " You said we were goin' on the boat. "

" Not today, Kitten, I have work to do. "

" I'm not comin' . " she clambers into a chair and sits there with her arms crossed, legs straight in front of her.

" Addison. I'm getting late. Get in the car, and I'll get you an ice cream. "

" No. I don' like ice cream. "

He sighs, wonders where his normally incredibly articulate child has disappeared to.

" Don't say don' . Or goin' or comin' . "

He'll catch his death from his wife if she hears their daughter drawling like that.

" Geor - gia says that . "

Georgia is the blonde secretary he'd screwed in his office last week while Addison played with his stethoscope in the waiting room.

" Georgia is from a different state. _We_ don't speak like that . Your mother will not be happy if she hears this, okay ? "

" But I have to , because Geor-gia does. And you like Geor-gia more'n Bizzy and me. "

He winces; it's excessively cold, even for his wife , to not allow their children to call her mother, or mom, or mommy .

" Of course not, Kitten. I love you, you're my special girl. " he scoops her up, careful not to let her shoes brush against his clothes.

Georgia wouldn't appreciate it if he showed up covered in little shoeprints ; she likes to pretend his children don't exist, so she doesn't feel as guilty about screwing a married father of two.

He tries not to feel as guilty as he does when he says " And Bizzy's my special girl too, and she'll be so happy if you tell her we went sailing, all right, princess ? "

He tries not to feel as guilty when Addison wraps little arms around his neck and plants a trusting kiss on his cheek. " And then can we go on the boat ? "

 ** _1972_**

" Little slower there, Addie , you want it to come off in one piece. "

She immediately slows down, angling her forceps to avoid stretching the casing as she peels it off the cold hot dog.

" Excellent work. " he says, fairly impressed.

She has good hands, for a six year old.

" Really? " she beams, looking up at him.

It hurts, the importance she heaps upon his approval, the way she craves his attention, because it shows he doesn't give her enough of it.

" Of course. You're going to be a great surgeon someday, Kitten. "

" Can I work on the cathaver? " she asks , lisping because she lost her front teeth last week.

He can't remember for the life of him if they were her first, if Bizzy did the whole Tooth Fairy thing, whether she'd even noticed their daughter's gap toothed smile.

He laughs, pats her on her pigtailed head.

" Not yet . When you're in med school, then you can. "

" But that's not for ageth and _ageth_. " she protests, causing a pretty brunette lab assistant working at the table in front of them to smile.

" She's really cute, Professor Montgomery. And she's as smart as you - aren't you sweetie. " she coos in Addison's direction without once taking her eyes off his.

There's something about an older man with a lisping redhead in tow that makes the girls fall at his feet ; it's almost worth putting in a whole day of babysitting while Bizzy jets around the south of France.

But he'll have to leave her at home tomorrow with the nanny, because a kid in his office isn't very appropriate if he's going to be getting lucky with this woman.

Maybe Archer will be home from Choate tomorrow.

Or is it the day after , he thinks distractedly, his eyes following the lab assistant as she moves around the lab, catching his eye occasionally with a sultry glance.

" Captain, can I go now ? "Addison asks behind him, and he notices the sparkle in her eyes fade. " I'll wait in your offith, promise. "

 _I'm a horrible father ,_ he thinks. _But I'll make it up to her this weekend. Out on the boat, just the two of us, the way we used to ._

" Don't touch anything. " he warns, because the assistant is approaching their table .

" You thoo. " she mutters, and hops off her stool and walks away.

 ** _1974_**

" Addison, what the hell. "

She stares defiantly back at him with those bottomless eyes, the same shade as his own. " No. No _way_. "

" You're upsetting your mother. " he says, voice rising.

 _And that's the rule; whatever you do, don't upset Bizzy._

" She's upsetting _me._ " she retorts, and he has to bite back a smile.

Eight years old and already a witty wisecracking Montgomery.

" Just do it for her, Kitten, it's no big deal. "

She slams a highball glass onto the bar and rattles ice into it. " There is no way I'm doing _needlepoint_. Or embroidery. "

" It's a fine quality for a lady to have. " he says, hating himself, because the lanky girl in front of him is destined for greatness, not needlepoint cushions and charity balls.

" I don't want to be a lady. " she says, handing him a perfectly mixed vodka tonic .

She hasn't forgotten the lime.

" Honey, she just wants you to be a well brought up young lady. "

" But I already do ballet. And French. "

" And needlepoint. " he says, clinking his glass against hers, which is full of orange juice.

" I can do a pulley suture. " she says, sipping daintily. " I bet that needlepoint lady can't do that. "

" Where'd you learn that, Kitten ? " he asks, astounded.

" You showed me last month. " she says, looking confused. " And I practiced in your office on bananas until Tom came to pick me up. "

He'd shown her that stitch because he was showing off how fast he could do it in front the new and very attractive Anatomy associate professor .

He had no idea she'd picked it up and actually mastered it.

" Show me. "

She leaps up and digs a blackened soft banana peel out of the bar fridge.

" I put it in here because Bizzy says it smells bad and she never goes in there anyway because she only drinks wine and that's in the cellar. "

Her stitches are wide spaced and slightly loose, but as good as some of his students.

" You know what, Kitten. It's all right, I'll convince your mother to let you off embroidery lessons. Now come here, I'll show you what's called an inverted mattress suture - it's hard, but just do as I do. "

And they spend the evening with her curled on the handle of his armchair, intently watching his hands dip and pull, copying his motions exactly.

 _Do as I do ,_ that's a piece of advice he hopes she'll never apply to anything other than medicine, because he can't stand to have her screw up her life the way he has his.

 ** _1980_**

" Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery, who is that boy ? "

" Christian McCullough ."

" _What_ do you think you're doing with this Christian McCullough ? "

He can't believe it, he's just returned from a lecture series along the West Coast to find his thirteen year old daughter kissing some boy in her room.

He thought they were years away from this , just yesterday he was holding her tiny hand and teaching her to spell her name.

" Young lady, you are way too young to be doing this. You are _grounded_ , you understand me, _grounded_ for the rest of the summer - "

" Summer's over, Captain. We're leaving tomorrow. "

Jesus. He hasn't been gone that long, has he, he'd left just as she'd returned from Choate, where she'd followed her brother, dragging her suitcases and making her mother moan at the length of her hair and her skirt, one too long and the other too short.

" What do you mean, _we're_ leaving? " he demands, images of that boy with his hands up his daughter's shirt pushed temporarily out of his head.

" I'm going back to school and Archie's going to Harvard. He doesn't want a gap year. "

" I thought your brother was already in Europe. " he says , wondering if Bizzy , who is in New York ,had any idea whatsoever of their eighteen year old son's whereabouts this whole summer.

She shrugs nonchalantly, and he notices she's taller now, up to his shoulder, slim and graceful rather than lanky now , starting to go from cute to beautiful with her red hair darkening from strawberry to deep copper and her gray - green eyes.

" He never went. "

 _He's always looked out for her,_ he thinks, _more than either of us have,_ because spending his summer in Europe would have meant leaving his sister at home, which by the looks of what he just saw is no longer a good idea.

" Well, where is he now ? "

 _Why isn't he here kicking that boy's ass ?_

" In the pool house with Christian's sister. " she widens her eyes innocently.

 _Monkey see, monkey do._

" Come here. " He pats the pale pink duvet on her canopy bed, a little - girl fantasy soon to be banished in favor of things he wishes he doesn't have to imagine her doing.

" Why did you kiss that boy ? "

She shrugs again, all adolescent silence.

" He's cute. "

 _Her criteria seem to be the same as mine._

" And so are you. You're just a child, Addison, this is not the age for boys and - "

" _You're_ one to talk." she says suddenly, leaping off the bed and whirling to face him. " I saw you with Jolene the day you left and I pretended I didn't want to take French anymore so that she'd leave and Bizzy wouldn't catch you. "

" Addison, I - "

" _Don't_ talk to me. " she says quietly, and she shuts the door with a click as she leaves.

 ** _1985_**

She's waiting in the foyer when he comes home, in an objectionably short dress and holding a sheaf of letters.

" Harvard. Yale. Dartmouth. Stanford. Princeton. Vassar. " she drops each into his lap, dancing with glee.

" Congratulations, Kitten, that's wonderful. That's every single one you applied to ! " he hugs her, accepts the glass of champagne Bizzy hands them each .

" Your brother didn't get into as many. " he ribs his son, who is leaning against the wall, twenty two , devilishly handsome and off to med school at Cornell in the fall.

" Her brother wasn't a swotty band geek. " he grins, tugging his sister's hair.

" Shut up, Archie. " she twirls around him, champagne flute in hand.

She doesn't look like a band geek anymore, not that she ever did except in her head.

" Off somewhere, Kitten? " he asks pointedly.

" Mm hmm. Savvy and I and some others are going to go celebrate everyone's acceptances ."

 _At a considerable loss to their parents bank balances, those acceptances,_ he thinks, but Addie's not like that, she's worked like crazy, straight A's all through high school, valedictorian and honor roll resident, dance team captain and only two boyfriends.

At least, only two that he's been introduced to.

" That Skippy fellow coming with you ? "

" Gah. No. " she says as Archer snorts into his champagne.

" Brainy she may be but she has no taste in boys. " he jokes, earning a swat on the head from her.

" Addison, that's enough. " Bizzy says sharply . " Let's just have dinner and you can be on your way. "

Over dinner they discuss each college in painstaking detail, Archer pulling her leg constantly and Bizzy getting steadily drunker.

" These are all well and good, but of course you'll accept Vassar. " she says, eyeing her daughter.

" No, mother. I only applied because it's your alma mater and you wanted me to. "

" Generations of Forbes women have gone to Vassar. " she says tersely, holding out her glass for Marisa - or is it Larisa - to refill it.

" Yeah, well , generations of Forbes women have sat at home and produced children while married to stuffy boring husbands - no offense, Captain. " she quips, matching her mother glass for glass.

" None taken. " he murmurs, hoping Bizzy will let it go.

She doesn't; Archer is her golden child, Addison is decidedly the black sheep.

She doesn't exactly try to dispel the notion, either.

" I'm considering Yale. " she says, raising her eyebrows at Archer.

" Just because I went to Harvard ? " he asks, laughing.

" Of course, I'm making important life choices based on how severely they annoy you. "

" Savannah is accepting Vassar, I heard from her mother. " Bizzy persists.

 _When did she become so interested in what the hell Addie does?_ " Bizzy, please. I'm not going. I like Yale better, it has all the pre med courses and research opportunities I want - even if it's way too close to home ."

" Oh, is that a problem ? "

 _They are more alike than they'll ever know._ " Not really - it's not like you'll visit every weekend, is it. "

 _Well, Kitten has her claws out tonight._ " I hardly think you'd want me to. "

" I hardly think you would if I did. " she counters . _" Addie_. " Archer touches her arm lightly.

" What ? She hasn't cracked a smile since I got the letter, she could at least _pretend_ to be happy ."

" I am happy for you, Addison, I just think Vassar is family tradition and you might consider honoring that. "

 _The only tradition in this family is doing whatever the fuck you want and she's got that down pat anyway._ " Maybe it's time to break the tradition, usher in a new one. " he says brightly, raising his glass. " To Yale. Buckle up , here she comes. "

Bizzy's glass stays firmly on the table.

" Mother, please. "

" I just can't believe you haven't got this nonsense about medical school out of your head yet, Addison, you don't have to do _everything_ your father and your brother do."

" What about what _I_ want? I've been saying I want to be a doctor for nearly my whole life, Bizzy, but oh, you weren't around for half of it anyway, so how would you know. "

" Addison. Really. " he says, not wanting to spoil her evening but hoping she'd stop baiting Bizzy,

" And what about getting married, what about children, have you thought of that ? "

" Did you ask Archie that ? "

 _Fair enough._

" Archer isn't a girl. "

" So what, I'm supposed to go do four years of art history and literature and marry the trust fund brat you pick for me and go have WASP babies ? "

" You're a Forbes Montgomery, do you have _any_ idea what that means? There are expectations from you, certain expectations that don't include having to work for a living. "

" God, you think I want to be a doctor for the money ? Bizzy, no, it's a passion, not greed. "

" Fine. Then go to Vassar and fulfill your dreams. " she says mockingly.

" Yale has the kind of people with the same passion. "

" Overambitious overconfident fools, you mean, there's no - _exclusivity_ , anymore. "

" So what, I should go to Vassar and be surrounded by professional wifeys -to -be and lesbians ? I'd think you'd be shocked at the thought of lesbians, Mother. " she says with an air of finality, because she can see her mother has no further comebacks.

 _Checkmate._

Only he sees her eyes shutter and her face become her usual cool efficient mask, any emotion she had displayed during their disagreement replaced by indifference.

" Excuse me, I have work to do. " she mutters, leaving the table.

None of them stop her, his children already have their heads together planning something and he doesn't have the heart to ruin Addison's evening any more than his wife already has.

And Addison will never know how close she has come to the truth.

 ** _1989_**

" So how are the real cadavers, princess ? " he asks, drinking in his first sight of his daughter in almost a year .

" Not as fun as hot dogs and bananas. " she grins, evoking memories of simpler times and unquestioning trust.

" So what brings you here, Father dear, and where does Bizzy think you are this time ? "

He lost his right to her trust years ago when he asked her to hide his lies and uphold his image in Bizzy's eyes; he's long since lost hope that his wife will ever return to him, but if she does, he doesn't want the shadow of far too many women to come between them.

" I wanted to see you. And Bizzy knows I'm here, visiting you. "

" Wow. Quite mature. And she didn't come?"

" No. Something about a charity event she's hosting six months from now - it's at the Long Island estate, you're expected to come, you know. "

" I know, I'll come, I'll look pretty and dumb and let her show me off so she'll be happy and I can escape. I know the drill. "

" Smart girl. "

" I kind of hoped she'd be here, I wanted her to meet Derek ."

" So you're still with this Shepherd boy? " he recalls Archer ranting about it when he came home last weekend, calling him a _gold digging douche_ and Addison a _naive little girl._

But then again he did practically raise her; in his eyes, no boy will ever be good enough.

" He's perfect, Captain, you'll love him. "

" Shepherd, you said ? "

" He isn't related to anyone you know. " she says dryly. " As Archer will already have informed you. "

" He did. Loudly. "

" What does Bizzy say ? "

 _Nothing you'd want to hear._

" She says it's a phase and he'll go the way of Skippy Gold and all the rest of them. "

" He's different, Daddy. " and he can see that he is; the soft look in her eyes and the unconscious smile on her lips proves it. " I think he's the one, I really do. "

 _The way I thought Beatrice Forbes was the one for me? We Montgomeries are anything but lucky in love, but maybe you'll catch a break._

Derek arrives, and of course he doesn't like him.

He's enviably good looking and clearly brilliant, passionate and motivated, well spoken and impeccably polite, he looks at his daughter like she hangs the stars in his sky and she's clearly in love with him.

But he never likes any of them, so he hates this one on principle .

 _He isn't one of **us**_ , he thinks, and hates himself for it, because neither is Addison, not really, she's better than them , always has been.

 ** _1992_**

She's lovely tonight, radiant with joy in the ivory gown that complements her pale skin, her face framed by tendrils of fiery hair , eyes alight with happiness.

They step onto the empty dance floor, her hand tucked safely in his, just them in the spotlight.

He hadn't wanted this at first, had opposed it vehemently, his daughter marrying this Shepherd boy, unwilling to let her go , not just because it's Derek, but because he'd feel the same no matter who it was.

He wonders if all fathers feel the same on their daughter's wedding days, or only those who've recently become aware of their impending mortality and just how much of their daughter's lives they've given up in favor of work, leisure, friends, other women.

He wonders if all the missed first smiles and first teeth and steps and words, the piano recitals and ballet performances and tennis matches and school awards blown off and the too - rapid progression of mantlepiece photographs knots in their throats too, if the realisation that their child no longer needs them stings their eyes too.

He puts a hand on her waist and she puts one on his shoulder, her engagement ring and brand new wedding band flash like beacons signaling that time has moved too fast, that he's missed too many chances .

Derek has chosen tonight's song ; he knows that much . She doesn't know what it is either.

The emcee is warbling something into the mic but he doesn't hear it over his thundering heartbeat.

" You're beautiful, Kitten. "

" Daddy. Don't you cry, half the Montgomeries in the room will keel over and I don't want to be working on my wedding night. "

The childish title does it; his vision is officially blurry.

" I won't. " he promises, and the music begins in a flurry of flashbulb popping, capturing the moment for posterity.

He commits it to memory instead, the feel of her in his arms, so different from the snuffling bundle he'd brought home.

The scent of her perfume, floral and sophisticated , no longer that heady sweet smell unique to babies and toddlers.

The fact that she's a hair's breadth shorter than him in her heels, when he's positive that yesterday he had to kneel to look her in the eyes.

The music is soft violin and tinkling piano, the crowd hushed and Derek beaming encouragingly from the mic.

 ** _I was enough for her not long ago,_**

 ** _I was her number one, she told me so ._**

 _" Daddy, hold my hand. "_

 _" Okay. Now jump, Kitten, I got you. "_

 _And she does, trusting his arms to protect her tiny body from the cold waters of the bay, and even though later she learned to swim like a fish, she always leaped off the boat into his arms at least one time whenever they swam in the bay._

 _ **And she still means the world to me, just so you know.**_

 ** _So be careful when you hold my girl._**

 _" - and I swear I'll never hurt her. "_

 _'As much as you have ' is what the young man sitting in his office leaves unsaid, this young man with a diamond ring and his daughter's heart._

 _" Welcome to the family, Derek. "_

 ** _I loved her first, I held her first._**

 ** _And a place in my heart will always be hers._**

 _" You're home. "_

 _" Still awake , Kitten? "_

 _" I couldn't sleep. "_

 _" I'm sorry if we woke you earlier. Mommy was angry at me . "_

 _He'll have to tell Bizzy not to yell at him when the children are home._

 _She crawls into his lap, wrinkles her nose at the smell of bourbon._

 _" I wanted to tell you I love you, Daddy. Everyone should have someone to love them."_

 ** _From the first breath she breathed, the first time she smiled at me,_**

 ** _I knew a father's love runs deep._**

 _" She smiled. Bizzy, she smiled at me ! "_

 _" She's two hours old, William, I doubt it. "_

 _But she did; he knows she did, she curled those impossibly tiny fingers around his finger and she smiled, a gummy toothless smile, just for him._

 ** _How can that beautiful girl with you be the same freckle faced kid I knew_**

" Remember the braces ?" she giggles into his tux. " I didn't have freckles though. "

" You were pretty even with a mouthful of metal. " he assures her, twirling her around the floor, fitting a lifetime of memories and regrets into a three minute song.

" I know, because I had to scare all those boys away. "

 ** _And I knew the first time I saw you with her,_**

 ** _it was only a matter of time._**

" Thank you for trusting him. " she whispers, eyes sparkling with tears that don't fall.

" I always liked him, you know. He's a good man. " he dips and turns, smiling at the widening eyes.

" Why'd you terrify him for years, then ? "

" To make sure he stays that way. "

 ** _And I prayed she'd find you but it's still hard to give her away._**

"Don't become a stranger, Kitten. " he says, wondering if he still has the right to ask after all he's done.

" Never. "

 ** _I loved her first, I held her first_**

 ** _And a place in my heart will always be hers._**

" Never forget I love you, I may have been a terrible - "

She hushes him . " You did your best. "

" Don't let him hurt you. " he clasps her slim surgeon's fingers in his.

" He wouldn't ."

" That's what I said about myself. "

" But I still love you. "

 ** _So be careful when you hold my girl._**

 ** _I know the whole Vassar and lesbians corelation must be offensive to some readers; I apologise in advance. This was simply my take on their WASPy outlook ._**

 ** _The song in the last one is I Loved Her First by Heartland ; while it wasn't released around the time they probably got married, it's beautiful and I love it._**

 ** _Please, please, please, please review._**


	5. Distractions Allowed

**_Smut, smut, smutty smut and nothing but._**

 ** _Rated M , obviously._**

 ** _1988_**

Summer in New York is hot that year ; it makes them restless and antsy, they spend airless days in libraries and too - short nights in their rooms, studying desperately.

They each have their ways to beat the stress.

Naomi monopolises pints of Ben and Jerry's, Sam goes on long runs, Mark flirts shamelessly with anything that moves, DerekandAddison - they're one word now , rolling off everyone's tongues like it's only natural - tear each others clothes off.

Which is an excellent stressbuster , but a time consuming one, so they sit at opposite ends of her room - without looking at each other.

It's working, mostly. He tries not to notice the heated flush of her skin, she ducks her head whenever he looks her way.

" Derek, could you give me your notes on the lumbosacral plexus? Mark took mine and he won't give them back."

He tries to ignore the sultry note in her voice, focusing furiously on hexagons and decidedly unsexy chemical names.

" Here. " He digs the papers out from a pile beside him and tosses it in her general direction.

He's all too aware of her every movement, aware she's doing it deliberately, crossing and uncrossing her seemingly endless legs, bringing to mind the way they wrap so perfectly around his waist, her lips moving soundlessly as she reads about the very nerves she sends into overdrive every time she touches him , her slender fingers worrying a corner of the page and making the trails they've left on his body tingle.

Okay, so maybe she isn't doing it on purpose, but she's still distracting.

" Addie. Let me study. "

" I didn't do anything. " she says innocently, turning a page.

" It's all right for you, you aced every class this year and the professors all love you. " he grumbles, shifting his heavy biochemistry text over his lap to hide the effect she has on him.

" Need a little help? " she asks, reaching for his book.

" _Addison_. " he jerks away from her. " You'll be the death of me. "

She pouts at him, shifting further away. " All right. I was just offering to quiz you. On hormones , maybe. "

 _Please help me God._

" I'm good, thanks. " he mutters.

" That you are. " she smirks, stretching her arms above her head so that her tank top rides up, exposing a tiny strip of captivating skin.

" How far did you get? " he asks, craning his head to look at her progress.

" Since our last - break? " she grins devilishly. " Pretty far, I just have all the muscles in the body and their innervation left to study now. "

" Let's do those together. " he suggests, cocking his head, intent written on his face, and watching her eyes darken in response.

" Sure." she sips from her glass of water, sucks a melting ice cube into her mouth with a soft _pop_ that evokes delicious memories of her mouth doing other things.

" Maybe now. " he says, pushing the book off his lap at the same time she reaches for him, lips meeting in a whirlwind of clothes and papers being scattered everywhere.

" I thought you wanted to study. " she purrs silkily against his chest as she moves to straddle him, his back pressed to the couch.

" We are. We're studying -" he gasps and loses his train of thought entirely as she moves further south, nipping at his skin and soothing the sting with her cool lips, until she slides him into her mouth; her tongue is icy and the rest of her is warm and soft, and the sensory overload shuts his mind down completely.

" What? " she breathes against him, her tongue doing things he wasn't sure were possible before he met her.

" Muscles. " he manages, running a hand through her hair, darker red than usual, damp and curling with perspiration.

" Mmhmm? "

He's trying hard not to move his hips, wishing she'd stop because he can't hold out much longer if she keeps doing - whatever she's doing.

" Addie - stop. " he picks up the hand skimming deftly up his leg, pulls her up by the shoulders and uses his grip on her hair to tilt her head back, just a little rough but not too much, the way she likes it, and kisses the tiny hollow at the base of her throat.

" Name the muscle. " he growls, tracing a finger over the fine lines of the tendon standing in sharp relief beside her throat.

" Sternocleidomastoid. " she smirks , enunciating perfectly but he hears her breath hitch and feels her heart pounding beneath his wandering hands.

" Innervation. " he demands, sucking gently at salty skin where her neck dips into her shoulder.

" The cranial accessory nerve and -" she gasps, hands twisting in his hair.

" And? " he prompts, sliding a hand between them and watching her thoughts scatter.

" - C1 and C2." she hisses triumphantly, her mouth finding his, urgent and tempting.

He moves them so that he's hovering over her on the floor , kisses his way down between her breasts to her stomach, feeling the taut muscles contract at his touch.

" This one? "

" Rectus abdominis. T6 to T12. " she says , breathless but still coherent.

 _Damn it, she's smart._

He flips her over with a practised move and trails kisses down her spine, sliding his hands past her scapulae , underneath her, cupping soft flesh in his hands.

" Serratus anterior, the thoracic nerve of Bell. Brachial plexus ." she answers, breathing raggedly. " Derek, _please._ "

" You're the one who reminded me about muscles. " he says, twisting his fingers against responsive skin and making her squirm in frustration.

" No more muscles. " she begs , her voice hoarse.

" Okay, moving on. " he turns her back over and grabs one slim wrist and pins it to the ground, then the other. " Name the bones. "

They both laugh as they remember the age old mnemonic for the carpal bones - _she looks too pretty, try to catch her._

" I'd say I caught you. " he murmurs against her ear.

" Scaphoid, lunate, triquetrum - _Derek_ ! " she gasps as his free hand slides further and further up her thigh.

" Answer the question, Addie. "

" Pisiform. ... trapezoid, trapezium, capitate and. ..."

" And? " he grins, fingers slipping into the most sensitive part of her body.

" Hamate. " she spits, sitting up to kiss him.

" Good girl. _Now_ we can take a break. "

Twenty minutes later they're still on the ground, Addison flushed and breathless under him, a Cheshire cat smile on her swollen lips.

" That is the _best_ stress reliever ever. " she beams, snuggling close despite the heat.

" We do actually have to study, you know. Not just take half hour breaks every ten minutes. " he nips at her earlobe.

" But we did. " she giggles, " Don't tell me you'll ever forget a single muscle we just revised. "

" I hope they don't come up on the final, " he groans. " That would just make it hard to concentrate in there. "

" We should get up. " she ventures, not too enthusiastically.

" Mm." he kisses her quickly on the lips. " Or we could stay here..."

" Finals. " she says firmly, sitting up.

" But we can study right here. " He pouts, dosing her with her own medicine.

" No more muscles. " she reminds him. " Or I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow. "

" No muscles. Look. " he says, lightly touching the bruise already forming on her neck where his mouth had been. "Ecchymosis. Let's talk about that. "

" You want one too?"

 ** _Please review, make my shallow little heart happy._** ** _Also go read my other fic, I love you in advance._**


	6. It Was For the Best

**_1988_**

" He's cute. "

" Who is ?"

" My crush. " Naomi squeals. " Addishon, I have a crush! "

" Do you now. " she drapes Naomi's arm across her shoulders and attempts to drag her along a little faster; it's late and dark and she doesn't like the feeling of being alone in the street at one in the morning.

" Addishon - Addie, I'll call you Addie caush Addishon is too hard - Addie, I ha' a crush !"

They'd gone out their last night of freedom , along with a few strange faces from their class, gotten all dolled up and spent the night drinking and dancing .

And now Naomi is winding through the streets, ever the lightweight, warbling happily and swinging her shoes in her hands.

Addison soldiers on resolutely in her spiky heels, wishing she hadn't let Nae have those last few shots.

 _Thank god classes start at nine tomorrow, she's going to be hungover as hell._

" Who's the lucky boy, Nae?" she asks again, because she's looking awfully green.

" He's _cute._ " she giggles, leaning into her shoulder and stumbling along.

 _We've established that,_ she thinks dryly, but doesn't push it.

She's barely known this rambling frizzy haired girl for three days, since they moved into rooms next to each other and spent those nights on the roof of their building eating chocolate, too excited to sleep and not knowing anyone to go out with.

So they'd leaped at the chance of this informal gathering, agonised over dresses and shoes and hair, hoping for a cute boy each, but so far only Nae seems to have luck.

Unless she counts that boy with the piercing blue eyes and that enviable wavy brown hair, but she only saw him come in just as she decided to leave with Naomi before things got worse.

And Sam Bennett, that sweet stuttering guy she danced with when he finally dragged up the nerve - aided no doubt by the foul cheap shots they'd all been slamming - who she can tell wants to ask her out but is trying to be polite and not rush it.

She knows this because he told her so, though he probably won't remember in the morning.

But he's a nice guy. A _good_ guy, decent and honorable and all that, albeit a little shy.

And he has nice hands.

She shakes her head to clear the image of Sam Bennett's hands out of her head. She'll call him tomorrow, she decides, and ask him out.

" Ooh look. He'sh in our class ishn't he . " Naomi titters, swaying against her.

" Need a hand? " a deep gravelly voice asks from behind her. " Mark Sloan. " he sticks out a hand in response to her raised eyebrow.

" Could you just help me get her up the stairs? I'll take it from there."

" Sure. " he hauls Nae's unwilling body up three flights of stairs, depositing her in Addison's arms at her doorstep.

" Didn't I see you at the party? " he lounges against her wall as she unlocks the door.

" We left early. She was -"

" - smashed. "

" Well, yes. "

" You aren't. "

" Nope. "

" You could come back with me. " He entreaties, his eyes smoldering in the way he's probably smoldered at a million other girls.

" I can't leave her. "

" She'll be fine, we'll leave her a glass of water and a note. Come on, Red, we could have an after party . At my apartment. "

" You go on ahead. And my name isn't Red."

" What is it? "

" Good night, Mark Sloan. " she clicks the door shut in his disgustingly good looking face.

Samuel Bennett is a good man.

Inside, she finds her maybe - friend huddled over the toilet, holds her hair back until she's done, then supplies her with water and mouthwash before she gives up trying to peel off her skin fitting jeans and tucks her into bed fully clothed.

She curls up on Naomi 's chair, a big armchair type thing with fluffy pillows and blankets all over it, the ultimate snuggle spot.

" Addie ? " she croaks from the bed.

" Yeah? "

" Thanksh. "

She laughs quietly. " That's what friends are for, Nae. "

" You're my friend." she repeats, " Friends should know. "

" Know what? " She's starting to feel seriously sleepy herself now, nodding off against Naomi 's aarmchair.

" About crushes. "

" Finally remember his name?" she teases.

" Sam. His name is Sam Bennett. " she slurs delightedly. " Saaaam Bennett. "

She ignores Sam in the hallways and library, ducks into the girls room when he tries to corner her.

She meets the blue eyed boy whose name is Derek the next morning in anatomy lab ; she pretends Mark Sloan doesn't make her heart race.

She sits Nae down and gives her a pep talk; she does her makeup when they go on their first date.

Derek crops up too often in her dreams and the margins of her notebooks ; they slowly become DerekandAddison.

They don't quit.

Not that long ago night in the Hamptons at Archer's party when he catches them breathless under the stairs, his only reaction to ask if this means Naomi is on the market.

He never really liked Derek, but he's a Montgomery so he looks the other way.

Not that night when their spouses are both at the hospital and it's Sam's birthday so she brings him cake ; they cut it on the tiny balcony Derek is always saying is going to fall right off the side of the building.

He wipes chocolate frosting from her mouth and looks her in the eye when he tells her her he's going to propose to Naomi, like he's asking for a reason not to be happy.

She hugs him hard and takes the rest of the cake with her when she leaves; drops it into a bin outside even though she can feel his eyes on her back.

She tucks flowers in Naomi's hair at their wedding, cries when they exchange rings and make promises.

She meets Derek's eyes when she catches the bouquet, flushes at the slow smile he gives her.

She works three straight shifts a year later, not wanting to miss the moment ; she delivers Maya, clamps the cord and for a moment she cradles her - the first person to hold her - before she places her in Sam's waiting arms.

She leaves to find Derek, leaves a little family in the room behind her, heads together.

But he's in surgery, so she goes home and returns with champagne that she and Sam drink out of specimen cups in a linen closet and agree that it was all for the best .

They watch Maya on Wednesday nights; tuck her into bed between them and pretend at being a family for a night.

When she's old enough they take her out for ice cream on the way home, always with rainbow sprinkles and smeary kisses, _thank you Auntie Addie ,_ they draw promises from her not to tell mommy even though Sam gives her a knowing look the next morning.

She tries not to see the way Derek watches her with Maya; later that night in bed she touches his cheek as he hovers above her and tells him she's not ready yet ; he rolls to the other side and she wakes up cold and damp with tears the next morning.

Sam doesn't tell Naomi he quit the surgery program; she finds out when he's no longer working on the same floor and she gains two pounds when she finds out that Addison was there that night, that she knew.

 _" He wanted to tell you himself, Nae. "_

 _" We've never had secrets before, Addison, but how would you know how I feel, you're married to Derek, your life is perfect. "_

And it is, they're residents with eighty hour work weeks but they steal time in on call rooms and closets, he brings her silly presents for no reason and she surprises him in silk and lace; and she barely notices Sam follow her with his eyes.

She throws away the scrub cap he wore that night and stuffed back into her hand ; buys a new one in swirls of blue and green.

When Derek asks her where her lucky cap went she tells him it got lost ; he doesn't understand why that makes her so sad.

 _" It was just a cap, Addie, it's not the reason you're so good in the OR. "_

They graduate residency and start fellowships, finish those and when Derek suggests opening a practice together - it sounds perfect, neuro, neonatal, plastics, internal medicine and OB all in the same place - Naomi tells them they're moving to LA , closer to a fellowship she wants, to family on the West Coast.

There's silence at the table and Naomi looks at her curiously, waiting, alwaus waiting, until she smiles and raises a toast to _sunshine and new beginnings_ , Sam clinks his glass against hers and drains it without looking at her.

The night before they leave she turns up at their apartment, runs fingers over duct taped boxes of memories and kisses Maya goodnight one last time.

 _" Why, Nae ?_ "

 _Don't you know? "_

They send postcards and tumblers of sand, seashells and Christmas cards, she watches Maya grow up in school pictures and emails Naomi about her day.

They go back to their old selves, sharing gossip and heartache, she tells Naomi she's losing Derek and she asks her how it feels to be that woman, so she doesn't call her again that year, not when DerekandAddison finally quit and not when she follows him to Seattle , not when she returns to New York to pack up their remnants.

She calls her when she lands at LAX, turns up at their practice dressed in New York black.

 _" I got divorced. "_

 _" Well ,so did I. "_

It doesn't happen right away; she's still sore and raw from Derek, he's still figuring out his life as a divorced father of a unruly teenager who calls her Aunt Addison now and is as tall as her shoulder.

She tries to stop it when it does, but he's perfect and she's helpless against him, she lets him soothe her pain and hates herself for the look in Naomi's eyes when she asks when it all began.

She craves a child of her own; Sam looks at her like she's lost her mind.

Maybe she has.

They disintegrate faster than him and Naomi, maybe because it's a child that forced them apart rather than kept them together.

They still live next to each other on the beach , share a bottle of wine at night and watch the waves crash on the silver sand.

 _" Are you glad that we at least tried ? " he asks, reaching for her hand._

 _" Yeah. There's nothing worse, " she says for what feels like not the first time, wraps her arms around herself even though it isn't cold. " than missing an opportunity that could have changed your life. "_

But she never thought she'd end up alone.

 ** _Please review and leave prompts or suggestions!_**


	7. Holiday Spirit

**_For Titania, who asked so nicely._**

* * *

 ** _DECEMBER 1988_**

" Derek, what if they hate me? " she says, high pitched with terror.

" They probably will. " Mark assures her from the backseat, earning himself a glare from Derek in the rearview mirror.

" See? Mark knows them and if he says they'll hate me, it means they'll hate me!"

 _How is it possible for someone as gorgeous and intelligent and put together as she is to be a complete basket case at the prospect of meeting my mother?_

" For the last time, Addie, they're going to love you. And don't listen to Mark , he's just pissed he won't be the center of attention at dinner. "

He rubs a soothing hand on her bare knee, wishing she'd chosen to wear something other than the red knit dress and murderously high heels she has on - he loves her in red, but for entirely different reasons, and the Shepherds are more the jeans and ugly sweaters type on Christmas Eve anyway.

" Do I look okay? " she asks anxiously, peeking in the mirror yet again.

" Beautiful. " he says at the same time Mark drawls " Hideous."

" Shut up, Sloan, you're just jealous you don't have a pretty girl to bring home. " he says, eyeing him meaningfully.

" We could share. " he says, raising his eyebrows suggestively ." We share a lot of stuff. "

" In your dreams, Mark. " she scoffs, but she smiles , albeit nervously.

 _Thanks_ , he mouths at Mark.

 _Any time_ , he mouths back.

It takes a considerable amount of time to haul their bags out of the trunk - Addison has packed half her closet for a three day trip - and she helped him with the presents this year, so he feels a little like Santa Claus lugging the oversized bag up the steps to the front door.

She picks her way carefully up the snowy steps, perfectly balanced in those death trap shoes he secretly enjoys, and grips his arm one last time.

" Derek -"

" Addie. Calm down. You look beautiful, just be yourself and I know they'll love you. " he says soothingly, brushing snow off her stiff shoulders and feeling her relax.

" I know I already do. " he growls into her ear so Mark, huffing up the steps behind them with his sizeable suitcase, can't hear.

The resulting flush in her cheeks makes her look even lovelier, her eyes that impossible shifting blue green, her hair brushing the shoulders of her coat.

She looks a little like a postcard, standing there on his mother's porch with snow drifting behind her , haloed in soft yellow from the lamp above her head and the twinkling red and green fairy lights dancing on her face.

He resists the temptation to lean in and kiss her, knowing his mother probably wouldn't approve - they've been together six months - and settles instead for a reassuring pat on the back.

And then Nancy's opening the door, hurling herself at him and then Mark, smiling politely at Addison , hissing _Barbie?_ in his ear as she ushers them in

" Hello, Mrs. Shepherd. " Addison smiles, and for a moment it's her Forbes Montgomery smile, cool and practised, but then she catches his eyes and it's her Addie smile, eyes sparkling with personality.

" Addison, honey , welcome. And call me Mom." she says, guiding her in with a hand on her shoulder and a gushing smile.

She laughs at all of Liz ' s husbands bad jokes, talks at length with Kath's husband about sailing and boats and racing - Kathleen married money, and he's some acquaintance of the Captain's - she tells Kath where she bought her dress, she lets the kids give her kisses smeared in frosting , she smiles politely when Nancy says, with an edge she doesn't pick up, that she looks lovely.

She helps his mother in the kitchen - she tries, anyway, and is relegated to setting the table , his mother showing her the silverware drawer in a slightly horrified haste.

He and Mark do whatever Carolyn tells them to, they watch the kids, drag in more wood for the fire, dodge his sisters and exchange looks when Liz asks sweetly if Addison's heels aren't hurting her feet and wouldn't she like to change into something more comfortable?

They sigh in relief when Addie gets over her initial confusion and gracefully accepts the scuffed slippers; she looks unusually small without her armor, something that seems to please Liz to no end.

" Told you she's the real deal. " Mark mutters, with something like regret in his murky expression .

" I knew it anyway. " he whispers back, wondering if he's regretting his earlier admission or something else.

They sit down to dinner, Addison neatly fielding questions about everything from her old school to her father's lecture series in Europe and her mother's charity work, they pour the wine with the unpronounceable name that she bought last week and Nancy rolls her eyes at.

" Where's - Amelia, right?" she asks, making an effort, trying not to notice the pointed looks crossing the table from sister to sister.

" Upstairs, having an existential crisis, as usual. " Liz snorts, stabbing at her plate.

" Oh. I thought it would be fun to meet her, I've never had a younger sister. "

" Believe me, " Nancy says coolly. " Amy already has enough sisters. "

She nearly inhales her glass of wine after that ; Mark, across from her, is glaring warningly and he's suddenly grateful for his wingman.

Nancy rubs her leg surreptitiously under the table, glaring right back.

" Maybe she'll come down for dessert. " Derek says; his mother's cobbler is famous.

" Not likely. " Kath mutters. " Teenagers, you know. "

" But it's Christmas Eve . " Addie says, confused.

She loves Christmas.

* * *

 _" It's the one holiday we always celebrate, Derek, the Captain usually comes home for the Christmas card photo and he and Bizzy host a ball on the thirteenth, to start the season, and believe it or not my whole family is in the same house for two weeks. "_

 _" You don't want to go this year? "_

 _" No."_

* * *

" You always have a big family Christmas, Addison? " Kath asks, eyes glittering.

* * *

 _" He usually leaves midmorning on Christmas day, though, after church, you know how it is, he's so busy at the university, and Bizzy likes to spend New Year's in Bridgehampton , quiet, no fuss, not much socialising, relax after the holiday season and all that. "_

* * *

" Not really. " she says quietly, ducking her head.

Kath's husband Prescott clears his throat loudly.

" So, Addison, you say you play tennis? I was just with -"

And then she's Bizzy's perfect poised doll again, smiling and bobbing her pretty head and saying the right things, the safe things.

She was doing so well, he thinks ruefully, and then Kath had to shove her oar in.

* * *

" She's pretty , Nance." she mutters in the pantry as she searches for flour and she hunts down the nutmeg. " Too pretty. "

" Come on, Liz , you can't hate her for being pretty. "

" Those shoes? What the hell does she think this is, one of her mommy's charity galas?"

" Maybe she thinks were all uncivilised, walking around in slippers and socks. " Nancy counters, finding the flour and turning off the light on her way out so that she's left groping in the dark.

* * *

They pile into the living room afterward, squabbling over limited couch space, losers on the rug in front of the fireplace.

He wishes he could pull her close, stroke her hair and tell her she's doing great, but she's on the rug with Nancy and Liz's three year old, Sadie, who is extremely taken with her; she keeps patting her silky hair with sticky hands and asking if she's Ariel.

She's a natural, he realises, with babies ; she confided one night not too long ago that she's considering Neonatal as a specialty.

He's still struggling to wrap his head around their year one syllabus.

Sadie curls contentedly in her lap, sucking a thumb and listening to a made up story about Santa's elves - _sap_ , he whispers at Addison, grinning - until she drifts to sleep.

" Theo, did you put Sadie down, you know how she gets - " Liz emerges from the kitchen; she was the unlucky sibling who got stuck on dish duty this year, and turned down Addison's offers of help with saccharine smiles, sweet to the point of being bitter.

" Shh. " Carolyn whispers, pointing. " It's a Christmas miracle. "

" I've never seen her fall asleep that fast. " Theo marvels. " Teach me your ways, baby whisperer."

" Thanks. " Liz mutters, conciliatory, after Theo scoops up their daughter and takes her to the car - they're spending the night at their own place not too far away, the house is bursting with siblings and grandchildren.

" See you tomorrow. " Addison hugs her - bravely out of character - and after a tense second Liz hugs her back.

* * *

She's undoubtedly lovely, this Addison, but she's - wrong, somehow.

She can't quite put her finger on it, but she's sure she'll break her son's heart, sooner or later.

And not that she'll admit to it, but Derek is her golden child, her only boy - not counting Mark, who never seems to stick to one girl longer than a week anyway - and she's a bit of a mama bear even now.

So she feels only the faintest twinge of shame when she corners Mark in the basement where she's sent him to put in a lightbulb she can't reach.

He's a few inches taller than Derek, she remembers affectionately that it's always been a sore point with the two of them.

" Mark. "

He jumps a mile and you'd think he was seventeen again, caught with that little cheerleader in her garden shed.

" Hey Ma. "

" Mark, what's going on here? "

" I'm. ... changing this bulb?"

She swats him on the backside. " Mark Everett Sloan, dish, or I'll tell your mother you're coming to dinner at their house tomorrow. "

He pretends to look wounded. " You wouldn't. "

" Watch me. " she glares at him in a way that would have had him trembling in a time that feels far too long ago now.

" I think he's really serious about her. This. The whole DerekandAddison. "

" Oh. " she says, sinking into a chair.

" Come on, Ma, she's - different, a little, but you'll get to know her, and you'll love her. "

" Shouldn't Derek be telling me that? " she questions, taking the blown lightbulb from him and handing him a fresh one.

" That was his speech, " Mark smirks. " I just stole it because you cornered me. "

" You're incorrigible, get down from there. What do you think? "

" I think I'm incorrigible too ." he says, leaping off the ladder only halfway down.

" Mark. "

" Okay, okay, I think. ... I think she's a genuinely great girl, she's smart as hell - she's been kicking our asses in school - she's good with the whole emotions thing, which is a plus when you're dealing with Derek , she has everything under control all the time which is sort of freaky, and clearly she's real easy on the eye.

She's kinda stubborn, has a temper to match the hair and she doesn't back down, she's slightly insecure and she stutters and fidgets when she's nervous, but her only real flaw is that she's actually in love with Derek, they're both boneheaded so they don't know it yet, but I do, so I make cheap cracks about maybe he could share , like we do everything else , hope they'll open their eyes and stop dancing around each others feelings.

She's the one, Ma, better bust out the ring."

" You're a good friend, Mark. " she says softly, tiptoeing to hug him. " But there are some things you can't share, you know that right? "

* * *

She finds Addison on the back porch, staring out at the snow, shivering a little in that ridiculous dress.

" Addison. "

"M- Mrs. Shepherd! " she startles . " I was just -"

" Getting a little quiet time? Me too. " she pats the swing next to her, and she sinks down willingly, one long leg tucked under her.

" It's pretty out here. " she says hesitantly. " Bizzy - my mother, she loves gardening too, she won first place with her geraniums last year. "

She winces inwardly; this lovely creature is not from their world, she comes from a place where flowers are grown for the express purpose of beating the others at the country club, where they go out on boats for no reason at all, they play tennis with people to catch their stray balls, they own horses and they throw _balls ,_ not parties.

Her son likes to go fishing and hiking and doesn't remember to change clothes most of the time; he hates formal gatherings and he used to laugh at these other people.

But this girl actually is sweet, when you look into her eyes there's a vulnerability she covers with charm and politeness.

She practically screams WASP, her formal clothes and initial stiff demeanour, before she melted so easily into this nervy child sitting next to her.

She calls her own mother Bizzy, she isn't seeing her family at all over the holidays.

And yet here she is with her son, spending a holiday that's clearly her favorite with his stranger family.

" Come along inside, sweetie, you'll freeze. " she clasps a slim hand, and this time the endearment is heartfelt.

* * *

He always sleeps in his childhood bedroom whenever he comes home, if Mark is there he shares with him.

He flops onto the narrow bed with its faded blue and white sheets, the pillow that seems too thin now.

Mark has vanished, presumably to catch up with some old friend. Probably female, blonde, drunk and single.

Addison said she needed some air; she refused his company, told him to go to bed in a voice that threatened tears .

Not that he's ever seen her actually cry yet; she seems to have an infinite capacity to internalise her emotions.

He can hear murmurs on the porch beneath his window but he can't tell who it is even though at nearly midnight it's quiet in the house, Liz has gone home, Kath and her husband and their six month old are safely tucked away in the guest room, Nancy is hiding in the basement on the phone with her fiancé who is moonlighting in an ER over the holidays to chip away at their student loans.

Amy is still resolutely locked in her room; she says Christmas is a social construct created for the benefit of the holiday industry. He strongly suspects she just doesn't want to talk to any of them, because she's been touchy lately that she's the only one left at home, thirteen years old last month and relentlessly babied by her mother.

But the plate Carolyn left outside her door returned clean, so she's alive and there's nothing to worry about.

 _How much air can she possibly need?_

His mother informed Addison casually that she could share with Nancy and Amy, if she _wanted_ to. She didn't _have_ to.

His mother is a monster sometimes, she knows full well that Mark's sharing his room and that there's no way anything will happen tonight.

The door creaks open on protesting hinges; whoever is behind it stops as if afraid to make a noise and wake the whole house .

" Mark? " he calls, wondering when the man sprouted a conscience.

" It's me. " she whispers, sliding into his room through the gap she's managed to create, wearing the oversize satin pajamas that make her impossible to hold.

" Sneaking around? Kind of hot. " he teases, lifting the comforter for her to slip under and tuck herself tightly against him to fit on the bed.

" I talked to your mother. " she says, squirming around and making him very uncomfortable until she finally settles with her spine curved against his front.

He rests a hand on her hip and wraps the other around her, savoring the closeness, content to cuddle.

" What did she say? "he asks neutrally, hiding the curiosity burning inside him.

" She - called me sweetie. Like she meant it. " she tells him, sounding wondrous.

" See? I told you they'd love you. You're _very_ hard to resist. " he murmurs, relief coursing through his body.

" They're all so great. " she enthuses, wrapping her hand around his. " You're so lucky. "

And she sounds a little envious, so he pulls her into his chest harder, wanting her to have one perfect Christmas, without Bizzy's cold demands of perfection and her father's glaring absences.

She turns around in his arms, looking up at him with enormous eyes luminous with tears. " Bizzy called. "

Whoa.

" She said she couldn't believe I actually didn't come this year. "

" Addie, really, we can still -"

" No. " she shakes her head, silky hair lashing his face.

" Sure? "

" Absolutely. It's not like Archer was there , either. "

He has a sad mental image of her parents in that cold over decorated estate, drinking at five in the afternoon and waiting for children who stopped needing them years ago, after years of childhood spent waiting for them .

" And the Captain is in Switzerland doing some all - important research that he can't leave. "

He reimagines the earlier image, this time just Bizzy rattling around that mausoleum of a house.

 _How do two emotionally retarded people with gin running through their veins produce this warm funny wonderful girl who won't stop loving them?_

"Anyway, " she breathes against his neck in a way that makes him wish they were somewhere without a dozen pairs of ears within range. " It's midnight. Merry Christmas. "

Soft lips close over his, tasting of buttered rum and that strawberry lip gloss she favors.

" Mm. Addie, Mark will be here any minute. " he groans, pulling away reluctantly.

She smiles wickedly, pressing closer. " I bribed him into sleeping on the couch . Trust me, he's not coming. "

" You're Satan, you know that right? " he says, moving to cover her body with his, kissing down her throat.

" Shame on you for saying that - on Christmas morning too. " she giggles, sliding quick hands under his shirt. " Stop. "

He does, confused . She says many things in bed, but _stop_ is not one of them.

" I wanted to give you your present first." she explains, alight with childlike glee that makes him give in.

" Now? Not in the morning? "

" Your morning present is under the tree downstairs. And this one I'm not sure is appropriate in public . " she says, slipping on top of him and kissing him, a fragrant curtain of hair enveloping them in darkness where they're the only two in the world.

" Can I unwrap it? " he asks, taking the hint.

" Go ahead. " she says, an impish smile on her lips.

He wastes no time unbuttoning the baggy top, pushing it over her shoulders, the siren red scrap of lace she has on underneath somehow even more arousing because it's just for him.

" Like it? " she gasps as his mouth explores sensitive skin.

" You know red is my favorite color on you. " he murmurs, nipping at her ear. " And black. And every thing else, really, but especially red. "

" Well, hurry up then. " she begs, raking her hands through his hair. " We don't have much time. "

" Sure we do. " he says, pinning her beneath his body and tugging gently at her pajama bottoms to reveal even scrappier lace.

" If you can be quiet. "

She tries, she really does, stuffing her fingers in her mouth, giggling at the ridiculousness of it and moaning in pleasure as he kisses his way down her body, taking his time with the spots he knows are most sensitive, doing his best not to mark her pale skin.

* * *

 _"What do you want for Christmas? " he asked, walking back from the library, arms full of books and head full of thoughts, because what can he get someone who flew home in a private jet on spring break?_

 _" Nothing. Just for you to come back soon. " she says, freeing one hand to twine her fingers through his._

 _" Addie, give a man a hint. " he'd thought she would actually be upset if he didn't get her anything._

 _" I mean it. Presents - they really don't mean much, for me anyway. I had lots, when I was little, maybe I'm just bored now. All I want is to spend one day of winter break with you before school starts again and everything gets crazy. I just want to feel, you know ? "_

 _" Feel what? " he asks curiously, stopping under a streetlight that illuminates the flurrying snow._

 _She shrugs, suddenly embarrassed, cheeks rosy with cold and shyness . " Not alone, for a change. "_

* * *

" Be quieter. " he admonishes, slipping his fingers into the wet heat of her, moving lazily like they have all the time in the world.

" Be faster. " she pleads, arching her back, pushing closer to him.

" Nope. This is your present ; be quiet and enjoy it. "

He makes sure she feels this, in every inch of flushed sweat damp skin, in every part of her that's ever felt alone and unloved, feels that he loves her with every fibre of his being.

When he's finally done with her, she's trembling with desire and soaking around his fingers; he slides into her, moving slowly at first, faster as she drags fingernails down his back, biting lightly into his shoulder to keep from screaming his name, but in the end he covers her mouth with his to muffle the ragged sound he tears from her throat as he pushes his hips flush against hers and feels her muscles tighten , rippling ,around him , driving him to his own climax, holds her tenderly afterwards until she stops shaking.

" Merry Christmas, Addie . " he breathes unevenly, her head on his chest, sleepy and sated.

She's gone when he wakes up a few hours later to small excited hands pounding on the closed door , except the scent of her on his skin and the sheets, and his early present, in a tiny ball under his pillow where he hastily shoved them last night.

He pockets them happily.

 _It was my present, after all._

He finds them all downstairs , the kids bouncing off the walls with excitement undiminished by the early hour.

They cram onto the couch to exchange gifts and slowly become functional with multiple cups of Addison's infamously strong coffee, but to their credit, no one makes a comment about it.

" Where the hells' Amy? " he asks his mother in a low voice .

" Disappeared into her room after breakfast. " she smiles tightly, sipping coffee and raising an eyebrow at Mark, who stumbles through the door snow - dusted and clearly guilty. " Merry Christmas, Mark. "

" I'll go get her. " he mutters, heaving himself out of the chair he's wedged in next to Liz.

" Oh no no no no. " His mother

says, pulling him back down. " You'll just end up yelling at her and ruining Christmas. "

" We can't just leave her up there. " he points out. " And you've all already tried, I should go. "

" Addison should. "

This statement of Kath's is met by bewildered stares from everyone in the room.

" It's easier, to talk to someone you don't know. " she explains. " And she hasn't even met Addison yet, but I know for a fact she was dying to. "

 _Someone please tell Kath she's not a shrink yet._

" Addie, really, you don't have to -" His mother begins.

 _Calling her Addie already, are we?_

Addison herself looks pleasantly surprised by the nickname, rising from her perch on the sofa handle.

" No, I'll go, Kathleen is right. And she shouldn't be alone on Christmas. "

She makes her way up the stairs, clutching the neatly wrapped present she'd bought Amy after grilling him for her age and her likes and dislikes.

It's sweet and touching that she's making such an effort with his family, and so far they've all been getting along great, but Amy's always been a loose cannon and he doesn't want Addie to get hurt by whatever vitriol is surely coming her way, so he sneaks his way up after her and slides down the wall onto the worn carpet of the hallway, close as he dares to the closed door.

* * *

Her family sucks.

She ponders this as she lies flat on her bed in her room , shoes propped rebelliously against the wall.

Well, it's not really her room; it used to be Liz and Kath's, then Nancy and hers, and now it's all hers because she's the only one left at home, the baby of the family, the black sheep.

She wants desperately to go downstairs, let the off key carols drifting through the floorboards soothe her, open presents and eat cookies, but she's stuck here because yesterday she threw a tantrum and locked herself in her room, knowing that this will get her what she wants - permission for a grown up sleepover she knows full well she's not old enough to go to, but that's why it's so exciting - but so far no one has caved.

And perfect stupid Derek with his perfect stupid hair and his perfect stupid girlfriend, he hasn't even come to see her.

* * *

" _Amy, grow up, can't you see what you're doing to Mom? " he yells._

 _" Can't you see I am grown up, just not the sort you want me to be? " she screamed back, earning herself a slammed door and his absence over the next few weekends, leaving her with her misery and her churning moods ._

* * *

So she's surprised to hear footsteps in the hall outside her door, unfamiliar, not her mother's light tread, the boys' clumping or her sisters' impatient shuffling.

The someone knocks on the door - neatly, tap tap - " May I come in? "

She flops back on her pillow, scrunching her face into a silent scream, NO, but obviously she can't do that to Derek's girlfriend or he'd never visit again.

" Door's open. " she says instead, wondering exactly how serious Derek is about this latest girl, calculating the minimum amount of niceness she has to ooze in order to toe the line.

There's a soft sound of leather on hardwood floor - she's ditched yesterday's heels; she might be mad at her family but she's not above spying from the window.

" Hello. My name's Addison. "

 _Jesus, really? I mean I get its your birthday and all, but do I have to deal with this random crazy chick with a preppy accent at four in the morning?_

" I'm Amy. Amelia. It's okay, you can go back downstairs, your good deed of the day is done. "

" That's not why I -"

" Just - go do something else, okay. Kiss my brother, annoy my sisters, piss off my mom, but leave me alone. "

She takes a deep breath - Ha. Gotcha. - " I think I'll stay. "

 _What now?_

* * *

Derek's littlest sister is five feet of bristling teenage insolence, black Converse scribbled with trite whitener lyrics propped against a wall painted girly pink long before its current occupant was born.

She regrets her decision the minute the words leave her mouth - I think I'll stay - she's the little sister, she has experience throwing tantrums, not soothing them.

But she knows what it's like to be alone and scared, so she perches on the flowered duvet and slides the neatly wrapped box towards skittering fingers.

" Why are you trying so hard? " Amelia asks point blank. " It's kinda sad. "

" I- I just want you all to see that your brother means a lot to me. " she manages, Montgomery sensibilities reeling at the frank blunt question.

" Really." she smirks, fingers brushing by the carefully tied ribbon but eyes firmly on the ceiling. " What do you think he's doing with you? "

" Amelia, Derek and I -"

" No, you're not in love. You're screwing him. "

She's speechless this time, this is the most honest response she's gotten since yesterday, the ugly underbelly of the sweet smiles and cool hugs.

" That's not true. " she mumbles, worrying at the silver locket he'd slipped around her neck earlier, _17/06/1988_ _to __ on the back, the blank space burning like a kiss at the hollow of her throat.

" What is, then? Because you're sitting here talking to me when you could be downstairs having a Shepherd Christmas morning, so what do you want ? "

Her voice is small and angry, cracking at the edges with childish fear.

" I don't want anything. I just wanted to talk to you. "

" 'Bout what. " she demands, petulant, scuffing a heel against the wall.

" Why you're hiding up here , for starters. "

" I'm not hiding. " she looks away, tangled dark hair obscuring even more of her small face.

" No? Okay, then, I'll tell you something anyway. When I was little, Bizzy - that's my mother - would have these amazing parties, just before Christmas, but until I was about eight she never let me come, I was too unpredictable, I guess , I'd probably have done something to embarrass her.

And she'd tell me to stay in my room, so. ... I'd sneak into the hall closets to find my presents, and I'd peek at them and put them back , and I'd hide on the stairs and peek at everyone downstairs all dressed up , and when someone came to check on me, I pretended to be asleep instead of asking to go downstairs, because I was afraid they'd say no.

And I think you are afraid that if you go downstairs right now, they'll think you weren't serious about what you were saying in the first place and they'll laugh, so you're hiding. "

The knotted limbs don't move an inch, but there's no flippant reply, so she thinks she's made infinitesimal headway and chances laying a hand on her sweater clad shoulder.

She doesn't jerk away, instead she rolls over to lie facing her with blue eyes she first met over a cadaver six months ago.

" Am I right or am I right?" she asks softly , gazing into teary eyes.

" You're okay , I guess." she concedes, giving the wall one last scuff. " They always laugh. And they think I'm a stupid baby. "

" I know a thing or two about being the littlest one, and it's not easy, but they love you, Amelia, and I promise you the smile on your mom's face when you come down will be the best present _ever._ "

She debates this for a minute , chewing on the ends of her hair. " Derek hates me. "

* * *

 _" She's just so goddamn stubborn, Addison, she's ruining her life and making mom's life hell."_

 _" She's thirteen, Derek, she'll grow out of it."_

 _"I hope so. " he mutters, squeezing her hand. " I miss the real Amy. "_

* * *

" Believe me, Derek might say a lot of things, but he does love you. It's why he yells so much. "

" Well, I wish he'd find some other way of showing it. " she pouts, sitting up and swiping at her damp face.

" You could start. By coming downstairs. "

" You go. I'll change before mom screams at me for wearing pajamas from yesterday. "

" You haven't opened your present. " she teases, pushing the box against her thigh.

Her face lights up with childlike joy, tearing shiny paper with abandon , opening the cream box and pulling out what she's sure is an excellent peace offering.

" Really? For me? " she holds the velvet dress up to herself as she twirls in front of the mirror.

" Like it? "

" _Love_ it. " she hugs the air out of her lungs, throwing her weight against her shoulders and making her laugh in relief. " It's my first real grown up dress. No pink, no frills, no bows. I _love_ it."

And while they're heading out the door a few minutes later, Amelia pretty and smiling in her new dress with her hair French braided - her specialty, Savvy taught her years ago - and she's trying not to notice a grinning Derek hiding behind a door down the hall, Amelia slips a hand into hers.

" I hope Derek keeps you. "

And as they're leaving that evening, Carolyn molds a calloused tender palm to her cheek and hugs her tight .

" Come down with Derek on weekends, honey, don't be a stranger. "

* * *

 ** _Feel free to leave prompts or requests in the reviews!_**


	8. The Flip Side of Fairytales

**_My version of the slow falling -apart of Addek._**

 ** _I was in a shit mood, basically, and this happened._**

* * *

He'll make it by seven, he's sure; it's a simple straightforward surgery, three hours max, complications notwithstanding.

And it's a great chance to impress Dr. Fiore , the visiting neuro god and his pathway to specialising in his particular technique.

He'll make it by seven.

But really, how was he supposed to anticipate that a twenty five year olds heart would stop?

Repeatedly.

That he would stop clotting and they would pump him full of blood and shock him again and again, that his oxygen starved brain would no longer be worth saving?

They lose track of time ; as always, in the OR, time warps and blurs, seconds bleed into hours and he allows himself to forget everything except these lights, this patient, the feel of the instruments in his palm and the dirge of the monitors.

" Dr. Shepherd. " the man he so wanted to impress says gently." It is over. Stop. "

But he can't see anything except these bleeders, a life hemorrhaging into his hands, a husband, brother, father, son, friend, clinging to life by a thread _he_ holds.

The gallery is empty now, spectators filtering away, because it's not their tragedy, not their failure .

" Everyone is leaving, Dr. Shepherd. They know he is gone. You must let him go. "

" I'll stop when the last coward leaves the gallery." he spits , fitting a deadline to this mad attempt to hold on to something that insists on slipping through his fingers.

" They are all gone. Except her, _quello con gli occhi tristi_. She is believing in you. "

He's picked up enough from his loud neighbors growing up to wonder who this man could possibly be talking about; he looks up into an achingly familiar pair of eyes, and although once - not too long ago - these words would not have been true, he realises with a jolt of shame that now they are an understatement.

She does look like _the one with the sad eyes._

" She always has. " he mutters, laying down the instrument at last. " Time of death, nine forty seven pm."

* * *

This is an incredible opportunity, rare, only for the best of the best.

Seven people in the world can do this; she has a chance to become the eighth.

He'll understand.

" So, Montgomery, is that a yes?" Her mentor asks, beaming proudly.

" I -"

The discussion they had just three weeks ago, the birth control pills he watched her throw away, the reckless abandon, the hope, the naive belief that it will happen right away, because they are young and healthy and they deserve it.

 _Only seven people, Addison._

" It's two years of long hours and night calls, but I know you. I've taught you well, and you have the potential to _shine_ , Addison, don't pass this will be time for everything else. " Vivian says.

A tiny redheaded girl with his soft blue eyes, a gap between her teeth; a little boy with his tumbling waves and her eyes .

The lives she could save, the possibilities this would throw open; this is what she was born to do, no doubt about it.

 _There will be time for everything else._

" Tell them yes. " she grins, wondering if he's at home to tell or still working.

 _He'll understand._

* * *

" Damn it, Derek, not again."

" Please, Mark, you know how she gets. Just tell her for me."

" This is important to her. It's a once in a lifetime -"

" - honor, I know, it's all I've heard for weeks now. "

" And yet here we are; you still forgot. " His best friend growls down the line.

" I didn't forget, I'm not stupid. It's just -"

" - trauma? Accident? Sudden bleed? Cut the crap, Derek, I've heard it all before. You're not on call tonight. "

" This is important to _me_ ; these extra surgeries are what makes the difference between getting promoted at the end of this year or not. "

" She looks beautiful, Derek. She's excited and nervous and so happy. At least have the balls to destroy that by yourself, don't hide behind me. "

" Fine. Give her the phone. "

" You know what? Screw it. I'm telling her you're stuck in traffic until she's received the award. I'm not letting you ruin this for her too. "

There's a click and then silence, whining in his ears , sounding like the monitors do a few hours later when it's all over.

 _Too late, again._

She's on the couch when he gets home, heels discarded on the floor ; somewhere between adorably tipsy and bitterly drunk .

He's numb with exhaustion and his hand is itching for a glass of scotch; he's far too sober to deal with this right now.

 _She looks_ _beautiful, Derek._

And she does, her vivid hair swept up to show every delicate line of her neck, but it's tumbling down now, her black dress that dips deliciously at the back is crumpled and the carefully selected jewelry glitters on an end table next to the trophy that glares accusingly at him.

" Traffic that bad? " she challenges.

" Yeah. " he mutters, too tired to rise.

* * *

" Not yet, Derek, we've discussed this. "

" Addison, you're not getting any -"

" Younger? Funny, I hadn't noticed. You _know_ this is something I want to do, why can't you -"

" - Completely give up on the idea of a family? I thought I knew you better than this. "

" You know I've always wanted kids, and we'll have them. "

" Like I said -"

" This is _my_ field, why don't you stick to brains and I'll stick with the babies. "

" And genetics, apparently. "

" You can't just drop it, can you? "

" It's my life too! "

" Well, maybe you could try coming home to it before midnight once in a while. "

" What sort of passive aggressive person nags their husband about work? I save lives, you know. "

" And I play Candyland all day? "

" Addison. "

" Don't _Addison_ me. I'm taking this fellowship, end of story. Where are you going? "

He sneers coldly ." To find a cause that isn't lost already. "

" I'm not raising a fatherless child, Derek. Maybe when you slow down. ..."

" I turned out fine, didn't I? " he slams out the door and she realises the mistake a split second too late.

 _But that's debatable , isn't it ,_ she thinks, because she likes having the final word.

* * *

" I hate that place. "

" Why? You love the water. "

" Lakes. Rivers. Fishing, that's what I like. Not those ridiculous beaches. "

" Oh, come on, honey, look. It's a perfect little house, right on the beach, we could sail if you want, and there's docking space, too -"

" So you plan to buy a boat too? " he snaps, irritable with the damp summer and her real estate hunting.

" Generally that's what people sail in. " she snarks back.

They are equally matched, eye to eye, temper to temper.

" It has three bedrooms, it's not exactly a _little_ house. "

" That's the point. One for us, one for guests, and one for -"

" - don't go there, that's a low blow. "

" I'm being serious. "

" We've been trying for months, Addison, buying that horrible house isn't going to bring about some biological miracle. " he says, feeling low.

" We've only just started trying again, Derek, you know it takes a while sometimes. "

" Maybe," he says, feeling a new level of pathetic. " That ship has sailed. "

* * *

" Derek? " she mumbles sleepily, waking to rough stubble scraping across her cheek.

He doesn't say anything, kisses his way down her throat, fingers slipping through the buttons of her nightshirt lightning-quick.

" You're home. " she says, that hasn't been the case for - she peers at the glowing red of the alarm clock - almost forty hours now.

He's pushing the shirt off her shoulders now, tugging at the drawstring of his sweats that she's embarrassed to steal when he's not there but she does it anyway because it helps to have something of his near.

" What are you -" she's cut off by his mouth on hers, insistent and demanding, and despite herself she finds herself responding, slipping her tongue into his mouth, tangling her hands in his hair.

" How was your surgery? " she pants, trying to slow him down.

" Lost her. " he growls into the soft skin between neck and shoulder, shrugging out of his shirt.

 _Who,exactly?_

" Derek we should talk -" she tries again, holding on desperately to her mind as he tries to make her lose it, mouth fastening over responsive flesh.

" Why would we need to talk about it to do _this_. " he slips two fingers past the waistband of the sweats that hang too loosely from her hips these days, and she forgets what she was going to say.

She wakes up alone the next morning, feeling used, but not really, because she hasn't felt better in weeks.

* * *

His neck is cramped from nearly a week on the couch; he can barely work three minutes these days without a spasm.

But he was right and he'll be damned if he apologises first.

Sometimes he wonders if it's worth it, this bitter argument over a patient's surgical plan, remembers the innocent promises to _leave work at work_ that they made back when they were naive enough to.

Then he sees the haughty expression on her face, the assumption that _of course_ she was right and her utter outrage that he should have a different opinion, and he doesn't mind that he's cramped, exhausted and sexually frustrated.

" Morning, Dr. Shepherd. " she chirps in a fake voice that sounds nothing like her.

She looks enviably fresh and well rested; he might be petty when it came to arguing but he hasn't sunk so low yet as to make her take the couch.

" Morning, Dr. Montgomery. " he says, noting the slight pause this brings to her coffee making.

She pours the dark steaming liquid into a travel cup, setting the empty pot in the sink, sashays over to his couch on the heels he loves .

She bends slightly, her cream blouse falling away from scented still - damp skin, tips his chin up with scarlet nails and kisses him in a way that makes his brain shut down and other organs take over.

And then she shrugs his hands off her body, smoothing away wrinkles and swiping her hand over what's left of her lipstick.

" Look at me, kissing a man who doesn't even know my name. "

She leaves him to stew, the imprint of her mouth on his skin in the color of blood and a lot more than just his neck stiff.

 _Checkmate._

* * *

She buys him a butter soft calfskin jacket, leaves it in the foot of the bed before she leaves, unwilling to wake him because he wasn't there last night when she fell asleep at one and it's five thirty now.

He buys her a ridiculously large floral arrangement that he has delivered to the hospital along with a trite _Sorry_ note.

It's Friday; Friday is her day at her practice in Manhattan and when the embarrassed nurse calls to ask what she should do with the damn thing she tells her to go put it in the Psych ward.

They could use a little leftover love up there.

* * *

" An honor, really, both the Shepherds at once. " the man whose name evades him gushes, and he wonders what the hell he's on about.

The _other_ Shepherd, as he likes to say, is at Boston Childrens pioneering some technique he can't quite remember; he's spent the past week lecturing in Philadelphia.

He finds her in inky blue silk on the arm of a particularly chunky surgeon, the plummeting V of the dress is unfair to him; downright torture on her unfamiliar dance partner.

She raises a perfectly arched eyebrow at him and accepts his kiss on an upturned cheek, unconsciously adjusting his tie - red, not blue, they like to match but now they don't.

" May I have this dance? " he asks, looking not at her but at her overeager partner, who reluctantly peels a clammy hand off her waist and leaves.

" Downgraded a bit, didn't you. " he comments, sliding his hand down her spine to rest at his usual spot, disappointed to find slippery fabric instead of soft skin.

" Didn't have much to work with. " she smiles, dazzling. " Why are you here? "

" To keep mouthbreathing cardiac surgeons from stealing my wife. "

" No. Really, why are you here, Derek, I haven't seen you in two weeks. " she murmurs, nodding charmingly at someone's greeting.

He hesitates, twirls her off the floor and into a corner.

The legendary Shepherd marriage, protected at all costs from prying eyes, smiles and nods on the dance floor that fall away the instant they're alone.

She shrugs his hands off her.

" When did you get back? " he asks, half habit and half obligation.

" Last night. Stayed at Sav's - girls night. You?"

" This morning, I had a patient -"

" To check on, I know how it is. I'm kind of a surgeon too." she says, sounding almost bored .

" I didn't know you were coming to this thing. " he admits, sheepish.

" I thought you were in Philadelphia. " she counters. " Did you even go?"

" Of course I did. Someone invited me here tonight, and I was just as surprised to see you as you were me. "

" Shocked is more like it. " she accepts a flute of champagne from a passing waiter - far too attentive for his taste - and sips daintily.

She's ice - queen lovely in the dim light, her only jewelry besides his rings are diamond studs and a cold glitter in her eyes .

" Would you rather I hadn't? " he asks before he can stop himself, but this isn't his Addison anyway, not really, so his words won't hurt her.

She looks him in the eye, his height exactly in vertiginous heels. " Would you have cared what I _rather_? "

" Of course. " he mutters, draining her glass.

" For the record, I'm glad you're here. " she says softly, melting ever so slightly.

And he'll take what he can get, so he maneuvers her back onto the floor and it's only later as he's smoothing her laughably insubstantial wrap around her shoulders that he realises they were both in the same city all day without knowing the other was there.

* * *

And thus they end up here; he finds the man he thought of as his brother with his hands all over the love of his life, he drives across a continent to get away from them, finds relief in an innocent brunette who knows nothing about the _Shepherds_.

She follows him like an unshakeable shadow; moves into his trailer with decade old marital right and insidiously seeps into the cracks of his heart.

He follows them both like an abandoned puppy, lurking on the sidelines waiting for his scraps.

And slowly they rewrite themselves into DerekandAddison _( or AddisonandDerek , if you ask her_ ) ,because their kind of once upon a time is rare and anyway fairytales are supposed to have happy endings.

* * *

 _ **Please review and don't hesitate to leave prompts or requests in the reviews!**_

 _ **I'll try to get around to all of them, I promise.**_

 ** _Also, go read my other fic. I love you._**


	9. A Constant Refrain

**_For everyone who's been asking for some Maddison._**

* * *

 ** _1988_**

" She's the one. "

" Sorry? "

" She's the one. " he repeats, used to your imperceptive mind. " For me. "

" You met her three seconds ago, she's possibly insane - _very_ hot, I agree, but quite possibly insane."

" You're just jealous because she cuts better than you and she's smarter than you. " he says distractedly as they scrub the stench of the cadaver lab from their skin.

" It's freaky how good she is. I'm telling you, there's something weird about that chick. " you say, because you called dibs on her since the med school mixer two days ago.

But Derek doesn't know that.

* * *

 ** _1990_**

" Hey De - oh, god. Sorry, Addie. " you grudgingly throw her a towel. " Thought it was Derek in here. "

" Well, it's not." she glowers, stepping out of the shower door you yanked open a minute ago, ready to yell at your best friend for being late and that season tickets weren't cheap.

She's wrapped demurely in the towel now, but her hair is wet and it's darker when it's wet and tiny droplets of water cling to ivory skin and you imagine what it would look like flushed pink beneath your mouth and she's your best friends girl and your best friend is in the doorway now laughing at the two of you and she's laughing too because you're friends, the three of you , and it was funny, really.

It's funny for him because he has the right to stamp a kiss on her mouth on their way out and say _I'll be late_ and he has the luck to go back to her at night and he's so jealous it's embarrassing and he isn't sure if he wants to punch Derek for _having_ what he wants or Addison, for _being_ what he wants.

But Derek doesn't know that.

* * *

 ** _1991_**

" Third year stress. Really got to me. " he says ruefully, playing it smooth.

It doesn't hide the scruffy jaw or the puffy hungover eyes.

" So you broke up." you clarify, wondering what exactly you're feeling - exhilaration or guilt, for the former.

" Well - not really. We're taking a break from each other. "

 _She **is** the break, dickwad._

" You'll probably get back together. " you mutter, swig your beer to wash away the bitter words you're swallowing .

Two months later when you find her pressed up against a wall kissing another boy that isn't you and isn't him you realise you were never even plan B so you don't tell either of them that you saw.

And then a week later when they fall back into each other you smirk and say _I told you so_ while you wish you hadn't.

But Derek doesn't know that.

* * *

 ** _1993_**

You filmed the whole wedding from Derek getting ready to the first dance to the time when they drove off as The Shepherds for the first time, but there's no tape of the bride.

Because you turned on the camera when you stepped into her suite as the organ started to play beneath your feet and you're glad you did because she's crying and then she's in your arms _( or rather, your arms are around her but it's nice to pretend, for a while )_ and then Savvy's knocking and Derek's waiting and she's gone.

No time even to ask her is she's sure _(which she is, the tears were probably just self -doubt; par for the course with Addison)._

You drop that tape in the wastebasket in the bathroom of the suite where they spend their wedding night and this small detail is oddly comforting.

And at the reception you rhyme _Gross Anatomy class_ with _Addison's fine ass_ with vindictive glee and watch her flush in embarrassment, and you screw a blonde bridesmaid to make yourself forget.

But Derek doesn't know that.

* * *

 ** _1995_**

The house is perfect, on the beach, sandy decks and pounding surf, the tang of salt in the air and far too many rooms for his taste because they suggest more Shepherds and that is too much finality for you to handle.

The house is perfect, she loves it and her husband hates it, so of course he agrees with Addison and they spend the first weekend there with Sam and Naomi, two happy couples and one lonely manwhore .

Derek comes around eventually and apologises, surly, for his behaviour; she forgives him with a boozy kiss that makes Naomi cover Maya's eyes.

And when she says wistfully _we won't be able to do **that** when we have kids_, as just the two of you watch the sun set over the water, you throw her off the dock and make her squeal just to get that look off her face.

The little group clustered on the sand with beers in hand, laughing at drunk Naomi, cheer him on, Derek pretending to save her from drowning _( she swims like a fish )_ and mock punches him on his way back up the beach.

" Watch it, Sloan. "

And he does, every day.

But Derek doesn't know that.

* * *

 ** _2000_**

The lights are brighter somehow, the siren louder, when someone you love is the one on the stretcher covered in blood and vomit, the corridor seems longer and the nurses slower, the doctors voices blur into one another and you offer to relieve her, but she refuses , pounding steady on Amelia's thin chest, Derek silent and white beside them.

" Why weren't you _watching_ her." he snarls, after, when the monitors are blipping soothingly and the Shepherds have all been sent home.

" I'm sorry. " she whimpers, and blood pounds in your ears because Amy's seventeen and shouldn't need a babysitter, but she does.

" Wasn't your fault. " you say to her, not daring to touch her shoulder , covered in bodily fluids not her own.

" She should have been watching her. " he says firmly, displaced anger finally settling in the usual target.

And you watch him walk away down the hall while her chest caves inwards and her breath comes in hiccups, so you lead her head to your shoulder and let her cry it out and it makes you wish Derek had been in that car too.

But Derek doesn't know that.

* * *

 ** _2002_**

" Who do you think it is? " she asks you flatly, tilting her head back as she drains her glass.

" What? " you fumble, almost dropping the glass of water you're holding, because one of you has to be a grownup and it isn't her, not tonight.

" The blonde fellow on his service , do you think? Or maybe a nurse, do you think he's following your example? "

" Addie - " you reach for her hand, skittering impatiently on the bar as she signals for another drink.

But your touch is not the one she wants and she moves away, not subtly.

So you settle for slipping the glass of clear liquid from her fingers instead.

" That's enough. "

She steals it back, smirking. " I get to drink, Mark. I'm celebrating tonight. "

That's what they were supposed to be doing, anyway.

Celebrating ten years of marriage, only the one she's married to has sent him to hold the fort in his absence.

" Let me drive you home. " you say gently ; she's no lightweight but she's well on her way to intoxication and drunk Addison is too adorable to resist . " Derek will be there in a couple hours. "

" In a couple hours it'll be tomorrow. " she snorts. " And tomorrow I'll have been married for ten years, to the love of my life, I can officially say that I've been married for ten years. "

She swirls her drink morosely, heels tapping against the leg of her bar stool. " God knows how many more, but at least ten, for sure. "

You order a double malt scotch and drink to the _God knows how many more_ part.

But Derek doesn't know that.

* * *

 ** _2005_**

It's raining like hell so you pull up outside their brownstone, hair dripping in your eyes and scan the windows for signs of life; you have a key but it's nice to have someone open the door once in a while.

Only the living room is lit up, a little beacon of tragedy.

You haul your bike into the basement and know it's bad when she doesn't so much as get up to come see what all the noise is.

She's sitting on the couch the way you've found her too many times over the past year; at one in the morning, six in the evening, twelve noon or midnight , it doesn't change, she sits always on the left side with her feet tucked up under her, a colorful afghan courtesy of Carolyn draped over her legs, book in hand and eyes fixed shamefully on the door.

" Addie. "

" Mark. " she says simply, tucking a bookmark between the pages of the book she's been reading for about three months now.

" Go to bed. " You say as gently as you can manage, because your anger at Derek has somehow coalesced into disgust for her, her endless clinging need for his attention.

" Derek will be home in a while, I'll wait up. You go to bed if you're tired, you know where to find sheets and everything. " she says without much conviction, so you wait with her until another Derek -free hour ticks past.

You nudge her , _I told you so_ , and she rises grudgingly from the couch, folding the blanket over the arm and dropping the book into a basket exactly for that purpose.

Her way of ordering the chaos that has descended on her life.

" Is it me? " she breathes shakily as you place one foot on the steps.

" What? "

She looks at you with eyes enormous with pain and glassy with tears. " Is it me? Am. .. am I not enough, or - "

You cross the living room in two strides and crush her to you , as if by holding her tightly enough you can cram the pieces of her back together.

" Don't. Ever. Blame yourself for this. You are beautiful, and smart, and a little crazy and lot funny, and you _are enough_.You're more than enough, to someone who's not too stupid to see it. "

You say the last part looking straight into those bottomless eyes you've stopped yourself from falling into time and again but tonight it's impossible, tonight she needs to feel loved.

So when she melts into you, you place a tentative kiss on the corner of her mouth and for the briefest of seconds there is a space where you could have turned around, stopped, left, pulled away, done something - _anything_ \- to not send your best friends marriage to hell in a handbasket , but she turns the slightest bit to the right and her lips are on yours, warm and soft, and it's gone.

She's wilder than you've imagined, tongue darting, hands deftly pushing your jacket off your shoulders to pool carelessly on the floor, she's everywhere at once and its enough to drive the other Shepherd from your mind.

You stumble through the house and you'd like to think you're leading but you're not, she is, so you use your bulk to push her up against the banister and kiss her deeply.

" Addie, don't let me do this to you. " you beg, because you're helpless, always have been when it comes to her.

Her reply is to slide a hand past your waist band, so you bend her over the banister, hands knotting in her hair and for a second before you realise one of you has bitten hard enough to draw blood, you wonder why she tastes like pennies.

The ridge of her hip is too sharp against your hands and the collarbones you trace with your mouth are too visible; she's insubstantial in your arms when you pick her up to carry her upstairs and you worry she's literally disappearing.

She twists her fingers into the damp fabric of your shirt and drags you on top of her in the master bedroom, the sheets are softer than cotton under your body - flannel, maybe, and then she moves over you, angry desperate and irresistible.

" Are you sure. " you whisper hoarsely, before you push into her.

" This is the only thing I'm sure about. " she says, surprisingly steady and then you just lose yourself in her, years worth of fantasies and illicit dreams were nothing in comparison to this, and when she comes she cries _his_ name, but of course he doesn't hear it over the rain pounding on the windows when he slams into the room, not hours but about a year too late.

All Derek knows is that his best friend slept with his wife, and all he knows how to do is walk away, so he does.

* * *

 ** _Review and prompt please!_**

 ** _Also, was the format too stilted or anything? Let me know!_**


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